Otherwise Engaged

My friend and fellow 90-devotee, Kate, got engaged to my friend Isaac. It's very exciting to see two friends happy and planning their future, sure, but selfishly, of course, my first comment, when Kate shared the good news and asked me to be a bridesmaid was not, "Yes, thank you!" No. It was, "Can I wear Kelly Taylor's dress from Jackie's wedding?" Luckily, Kate got the joke, and Isaac googled the image while we spoke on the phone, and then she laughed.

Coincidentally, Andrea and Jesse just got hitched in reruns this week, which brings up an interesting and somewhat depressing fact. 90210 weddings and engagements are pretty much doomed. I mean, what couple's wedding/engagement can be emulated? Donna and David were ruined in the new show, which is totally enraging.

Think about it.

Marriages:
Jackie and Mel - Knocked up bride, infidelity, break ups
Andrea and Jesse - Knocked up, cheating, divorced?
Steve and Janet - Knocked up (but maybe the happiest couple??)
Dylan and Toni - Bride shot by hit man the day after the wedding, disowned by father for marrying Dylan
Abby and Carl - Annulled the day after, sleeps with his fiance's daughter (Oh, 90210!)
Donna and David - Apparently, doesn't end well
Nat and Joan - Knocked up (I'm sensing a pattern), and Joan vanishes


Engagements:
Brenda and Stuart - Called it off at the altar
Kelly and Brandon - rejected a proposal sophomore year at CU, then called it off at the altar post-college
Bill Taylor and Abby Malone - Abby was left at the altar
Kelly and Matt - called off
Jack McKay and Christine Pettit - Jack allegedly blew up in a car (later learned to be faked)

Now, there are other characters who get engaged or married and we don't KNOW the spouse, and don't see the wedding, so we don't know how it turns out. But maybe Ray Pruit and Wendy are happy. Maybe Celeste Lundy and Tracy Gaylian were better off dating outside "the gang." Muntz seemed happy dancing with his wife to Brian Setzer Orchestra. But I can't say to Kate, "Pick a wedding dress that looks like Celeste's!!" What was it called when people got married in the New Evolution? A muletting? Terri at the Beverly Beat... Dottie, Jim's hot secretary, Leslie Sumner. I'm sure I could think of more. But I think I've made my point.

I guess Nat and Steve are the model grooms. YIKES!

Clare's snoring... Not on retreat?

WHOA. I arrived home in time to catch the end of the "Change Partners." And I have discovered a major plot inconsistency. Kelly shares a cabin at the retreat with Clare. Thus, how is she shocked, next season, when Clare snores loudly when she moves into the beach apartment? This is bothering me.

Polo Sans Prince Carl

Last week I went to a polo match. When informed of this opportunity, my immediate thought was, of course, "Will Prince Carl be there?" Unfortunately, since I live in New York, the polo match was in Saratoga Springs, not Will Rogers State Park. It was for work, so I went online and found amazing shots of Steve Sanders in a band collar shirt with suspenders for fashion inspiration and e-mailed them to my colleagues. However, I threw out my band collar shirts in the '90s. So, I wore a dress instead. I'm not one to turn down an excuse to buy an overpriced dress from Anthropologie.com.

Another "project" I've been working on is figuring out how many times actors appeared on 90210 as two completely independent characters. This idea first came to me years ago when I realized that Stuart Carson was a bellhop in Palm Springs, long before he was Larry Carson's Pepperdine dropout son (PS - I went to Pepperdine for two semesters - rock on, Stuart). Since then, I've come up with three others:

-Kate, Dana's new girlfriend from Season 5 = Random woman in the restroom when Erica gets her period for the first time in Season 4 (technically, I guess she could have been the same woman)
-The casting person in the mouthwash commercial from Season 3 = Emily Valentine's friend and neighbor Rosie in Season 4
-Camille Desmond is one of the weirdest ones, she goes on a double date with Brandon and Steve in Season 8, but turns out to be a lesbian, before she is employed at Now Wear This and dates David Silver

Unfortunately, when I was in the middle of this project, I suffered a computer tragedy. My shih-tzu and I were on the couch when I heard a loud pop, followed by a huge cloud of smoke coming from my laptop's AC adaptor. I stayed surprisingly in focus, and did not start praying ala Kelly Taylor at a Holiday Rave, rather, I unplugged the cord and began screaming expletives at my dog to encourage him to stay far away from the flaming adaptor. Then I brought it outside and when I was convinced it was not a fire hazard, I flung it into the trash and called Dell. After some argument with a call center rep (them: not under warranty, me: safety hazard), they agreed to send me a new cord, provided I mailed back the old one, which, yes, I did have to fish out of the trash. So Dell's getting an AC adaptor with dog poop on it. I explained this on the phone, but they still want it back. It's in a bag in my garage.

So my list of 90210 characters is on my laptop, but I can't use it, because it needs to be plugged in. Who am I missing? There can't only be 4.

The Bachelorette Producers Almost Certainly Watch 90210

I readily admit that I love The Bachelorette. This week's episode was shockingly reminiscent of 90210 episodes past.

1. Ali goes to the Hollywood sign. I was expecting her to cover it was a banner that read West Bev '93. But she didn't. Nor did Jasper leap from it. Oh well.
2. She and her date took a convertible to a makeout point overlooking Los Angeles, ala Brandon/Dylan and Emily/Brenda. Sigh. Stolen!
3. Ali made a "guys looking awkward in their swimsuits" calendar, for charity. I think Alpha Omega tried that before!
4. Ali and her last suitor cruised through Vegas in a hot convertible. Now, she wasn't blowing off the money she inherited from her dead grandfather, but it was a quick trip from L.A. How very David Silver.

At least if ABC is going to steal, they steal from the best.

Bad Day for the Malones...

Is Abby Malone (aka Michelle Phillips) going to attend the funeral of ex-husband Dennis Hopper? I'm wondering.

Last night I saw Sex and the City 2. It's very interesting that in both 90210 and the SATC franchise, Jason Lewis (aka Rob Andrews) plays a down-to-earth movie star who falls under the spell of an agressive, powerful woman who attempts to manage his career while also dating him. PS - 90210 did it first.

The Erin Silver Dilemma

I recently watched the California University 1997 graduation, which was, coincidentally, Erin Silver's graduation from Kindergarten. Lots of things are very amiss in Beverly Hills nowadays, and it seems to trace back to this episode. If we're going for continuity, Erin was actually right on target to graduate from Kindergarten in 1997, because she was an infant during the summer of 1992. I would know, since I tracked this on an Excel spreadsheet I made in my free time (by age, school year, and show season).

But, when Kelly gets shot at LAX in the parking lot and Jackie Taylor decides that Erin should still go to soccer practice as normal (????), you start to notice weird things happening. First, Steve calls her Erin Taylor. Hm. The name switching is a bit off, since Mel and Jackie were together, but we'll go with it.

Now, based on a traditional age progression, Erin should have graduated from high school in 2009. To be frank, I don't know what year the cast of the new 90210 is, but they aren't seniors. So, how many years was Erin "Silver" Taylor/Silver held back? I wonder, if Mrs. Teasley was still guiding, if she would have let this happen. She was right on top of Donna's unspecified learning disability. I mean, I find immense comfort in watching Kelly Taylor as an adult, but I have serious qualms about her ability to counsel students (if I caught a student doing drugs at a school play, I would have to take more serious action than advising her to make an appointment with me the following Monday). Would she really mess things up for her half-sister so horribly?

It's probably a good thing we don't see more of Hannah Rose Zuckerman-Vasquez. The age thing would bother me, even though I love every scrap of similarity the new 90210 throws me. Although, Andrea as a helicopter mom would be awesome. You know she would be. "Hannah, I need to proof your essay for Yale now! How is AP English?"

PS - Teddy = Roger Azarian
PSS - Ivy's mom = Serge Menken

Well, one of 90210's weirdest cameos got hitched: Kerri Strug.

Surely you remember the awkward exchange between Kerri and David at CU's registration desk? "What do you have to do to register for classes around here, win a gold medal?"

"It doesn't hurt!"

"Wait a minute... You're... Kerri Strug!" said David, in case some of us didn't watch the 1996 summer Olympics.

The whole thing was weird. However, I HATE football. Yet boyfriends are always shocked when I'm like, "Oh yeah, Steve Young is super! And Vince Lombardi is/was a great coach." I guess, in the same way, Kerri Strug is my favorite gymnast. I don't hate gymnastics, though. I'd sacrifice my entire childhood and spend hours in the gym, not for a gold medal, but for the chance to do a guest spot on 90210.

Lovefool

Last weekend, one of my friends invited me over to play some kind of karaoke game, Lips. A singer I am not. As everyone else scrolled through the songs and sang their hearts out, I was pretty much unwilling to join in. Eventually, everyone had sung 8 songs to my 0. So I agreed to sing "Lovefool," explaining to everyone that they had performed on Beverly Hills, 90210. No one cared AT ALL for this fascinating background detail, so I added more.

"Bill Taylor hired The Cardigans to play at Kelly's college graduation, just before he went off to prison!"

Well, one of the people at this party was 22, and had shamefully never seen 90210. My act was wearing thin. So I grabbed the mic, explained The Cardigans were "direct from Sweden" and did my best Swedish accent, but helpfully added my own song lyrics, like: "I can't care about anything but you... And Donna Martin!"

And the episode with The Cardigans is on RIGHT NOW. It's like they knew!

So tonight's episode of the new 90210 just amazed me. Dixon is going to bet on basketball? Recycled plotline what? Where is Duke? Will he be guest starring?

Also loving the adoption plotline. Samantha and Rush could be giving advice!

Last night I went to a Soul Asylum concert. How does this relate to 90210? I was wondering that myself! They never made it to the Peach Pit After Dark, and as far as I know, none of the band members dated any cast members (please notify me ASAP if you know otherwise).

But, during the concert, the link was made. I was with my sister, who is not a Soul Asylum fan, but knows 90210 because I have a slight tendency to discuss it excitedly and frequently.

David Pirner: Thanks for coming out, despite the snow. Where we're from snow is no big deal.

My sister looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to tell her where Soul Asylum lives.

"They're from Minnesota," I said.

She waited, knowing I was not done.

"...like the Walshes!!" I finished with great joy.

LuAnn!

The L.A. Times has reported the death of LuAnn Pruit. I am ashamed to say I did not know she was married to Michael Keaton - Beetlejuice and Batman. Mother of Ray Pruit, wife of Beetlejuice... This is tragic. I wonder if Jamie Walters went to the funeral...

On a completely unrelated note - here's a really good trivia question: What is the name of Joe E. Tata's character on the TV series Vega$? Hint: It's a main character on the new 90210. Brandon and Steve were watching the show during Season 6, Episode 30 ("Ray of Hope").

Sandershine!

As many know, I find it comforting and enjoyable when real life resembles 90210. Recently, I requested the friendship of Ian Ziering on Facebook. He accepted my request! Today, he posted a link.

http://ianziering.izoverview.com/v2/index.asp

Good. Christ. Almighty.

To be honest, I'm not even sure where to begin with this. But I guess I'll start by with the admission that I will be completing the form (OK, no one is shocked). The most interesting question was, "What would you say you are most interested in?" Because the last choice was neither. It's almost like they KNOW 90210 fans are going to fill it out, hoping for a personal call from Ian himself (Ian, the best time for me would be evenings, when I'm home from work). Do they think they are going to trick me somehow?

But, really, the first thing that I thought of was, "Oh my god, Sandershine!!!" Because, as any diehard 90210 fan will remember, Steve Sanders is no stranger to producing infomercials. He comes across as very polished and professional when selling this product (whatever it actually is - a cream? a system?). And it MUST be because, in Season 7, Episode 22, he had to make an infomercial for a class at California University. So he created Sandershine. It didn't work out so well, and he ended up with a sticky mess. But Steve was crafty, and he turned it into a powerful pitch for Sanderstick glue. Brandon and Tracy were unimpressed.

Seriously, though? Ian is selling anti-aging products? Life imitates art and when the art in question is 90210 - that's just great.

PS - When I clicked on the "science" section, I was seriously hoping that one of the scientists was going to be Kevin Weaver (aka Karl Cavandish), with his scammer wife Suzanne.